Creating my own destiny.

Yesterday, as I scanned through my old blog for pictures I began reading some old entries. I felt as though I was finding the tools to get me through this time in my life. That's a good thing. I can remember how I felt when I wrote many of those entries. Key word is "felt" I was accepting the reality that my feelings lead me to food and that had to change. I fought through those times and didn't listen to those mean and nasty voices that wanted me to eat. It was a struggle every time. I worked through allowing myself to feel and learned that feeling emotions didn't break me. I didn't need to NUMB myself in order not to feel. My feelings are real and don't need to be muted and I don't need to be medicated in order NOT to feel them.

My Dad's passing in June was the second time I had to face losing him. The difference was this time it was for good. I was determined NOT to use food to get through my feelings. Truth is I didn't have to use food I was sick and had surgery and a lot of pain killers instead. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't abusing my medication it just took away my ability to feel anything. It was a long road to get healthy. Now that I am well and those same feelings surface I am forced to keep my head on straight and deal. It's difficult, I can't lie. It's work and as I said in my last post I know I am worth it but that doesn't make it an easier. It just makes it MY RESPONSIBILITY to just do it. NO one can do any of this for me and no reasons are valid enough to use as excuses. There can't be any excuses any more.

Although I haven't abandoned my journey I see how I've become laxed while traveling. I need to get back to making myself my priority. Yes, I have other responsibilities to tend to but I have to make sure I am doing what I need to do for me. That translates into keeping up a healthy lifestyle. It means seeing to it that I'm eating enough fruits and veggies and drinking enough water. It means not skipping meals and doubling up on others. It means fitting all of this in without obsessing over it. I need to reclaim my position in all that I do and see to it I'm taking good care of ME. I no longer can hide behind the death of my father or anything else that translates as an "excuse".

The destiny I want for myself is one in which my feelings do not dictate what I eat. I want to nourish my body and soul in a positive way. I want to cope with feelings that are unpleasant and learn how to manage them without my drug of choice. I want to enjoy all that is good and understand that nothing can break me down unless I allow it. I want to love myself enough to give myself this gift. I want to combat my fears and take control of the life I've been given and enjoy living it, one day at a time.

I've learned that goals are an important part of this journey. The first part of my plan, just like this new journal site, is to get back to basics. I need to write more and revisit the healthy habits that were defining my success. I need to shake out that BANK of days and begin again. I need to let this day be important. I need to get up and MOVE. I need to find the my enthusiasm and excitement again. I need to do all of this and everything else too. I know "everything else" may seem a bit sketchy. That just includes doing everything necessary to meet all my responsibilities. No more putting things off because I'm just too tired or not in the mood or not ready or don't care. I need to put away the "dead father card" and the "I just had surgery card" and the 50 others in my deck. Perhaps I just need to fold'em and get to it, huh? Sounds good to me!

First goal I'm setting is to fill my bank with a weeks worth of days. Those days must be lived 100% healthy and positive. I'm rolling up my sleeves and ready. I WILL create my own destiny! One day at a time.

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I CAN'T PUT SPACE BETWEEN PARAGRAPHS!!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!