My diet.. yes.. I said "diet"

It's crunch time. A lot of my friends are crying out for strength. I shed my own tears from time to time. I write today to help myself and hopefully inspire others. I do not profess to be an expert, just a person who struggles with demons that lead me to food, a person who has lost and gained as a result of that.

In the years that I've lost and gained weight I've found lots of things that work and don't work for me. I've found that I can't cry about what I can't eat, I need to embrace and enjoy what I can eat. What I can and can't eat is determined by MY DIET. Yes, I am not afraid to say that word and not ashamed to say it either. I need to lose weight, I need to restrict my food intake, I need to be on a diet. I've heard all the new ways we refer to our diets, as "life style changes" and every other nice way of saying the obvious I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, I'M ON A DIET.

Why is it so hard for us to accept that we need to be on a diet? Well, I know the answer to that, we feel punished and deprived. We feel singled out and like the child in the corner with the dunce cap who's gonna sit there till things are made right. Well I don't see dieting as such a bad thing. I think embracing the need to restrict our eating in order to lose weight is a concept that doesn't have to be a punishment. In fact, I view it as a positive CHOICE that I have made to lead myself to wellness. Is that so hard? Is that so terrible? I don't think so.

I know the biggest mistakes I've made in my attempts to lose weight in the past is thinking that once I diet and stick with it, I lose weight and I'm done. I believe "healthy lifestyle" should kick in AFTER we have lost the weight we set out to lose. Most people I know who have succeeded in weight loss, suck at keeping it off. I love to hear folks like Oprah talk about how she was thin for 5 minutes. If you can remember her wheeling out that wagon of fat in those mega-skinny jeans, we're on the same page. The first thing she did when the cameras stopped rolling and it was a wrap? EAT. and eat and eat and eat. It's a vicious cycle. A cycle that I'm working overtime trying to figure out.

For me (I will stand and say this because I've heard professionals say it too) my relationship with food is what has kept me fat and on this roller coaster ride of losing and gaining. I know some will say, I don't do that, I don't have food issues, I just eat because I like to. Yeah, well I like to eat too, but I also like to eat when I don't want to feel or I can't deal with something or I'm joyful. If you are an over eater you can rest assured that you too have a relationship with food that is unhealthy. I believe before you can really bring yourself good health and find a balance in life with diet and exercise you gotta dig deep and ask yourself this question. What is my relationship with food?

I can tell you I was conditioned at a very young age to use food in an unhealthy way. That's not to say I blame anyone for this. As an adult it is now my job to change this. It's my choice to eat and eat and eat OR I can nourish my body and find a balance with my emotions and how I deal with them WITHOUT food. Food doesn't have to be my pain reliever, my stress reducer, my boredom fixer, my marriage counselor, my grief counselor, my friend or my enemy. Food is fuel. My body needs food to keep me alive, to keep me awake, to keep me energized to do the things my life calls for. That's it. Once I believed that I stopped feeling like the fat kid who couldn't eat a whole sleeve of cookies and was satisfied with the four I was given.

I can also tell you that in order to be successful at this I had to give up control. Starting a journey or a weight loss plan doesn't have to involve a list of 100 things to do before you can get started. No. You don't have to do a massive shopping to get ALL THE RIGHT THINGS in the house. You don't have to make a menu and search recipes and plan everything out in advance. You see, that sets us up for failure and makes it easier to stray off our path. "Oh shit, I forgot my lunch... I had no choice but fast food or pizza. I blew it, so I figured why not have take out for dinner and I sat with a container of ice-cream while I "relaxed" before bed." Sound familiar? Yeah, I know. Been there, done that. Why does everything about our diet experience have to be perfect in order for us to do it?

I found it extremely helpful to break it down like this: I get 21 meals a week. (assuming you are following 3 meals and 2 snacks) 7 are breakfast. 7 are lunch and 7 are dinner. Ok, now, let's break'em down by meal and see just how easy this can be. Does breakfast have to be a gourmet feast in order for us to feel like we're not being punished (as in on a diet)? What would you eat for breakfast before? a donut? cookies? those killer fat ridden fast food english muffin/egg and bacon deals for a buck? Or better yet was breakfast just skipped because you've got a food hang over from the night before? Did your first meal kinda happen between 2 and 4 pm because the headache set in? So how can we change this to make it simple and easy and readily available. My breakfast is usually ezeikel cereal nuked so it's hot, I add a fruit and skim milk, oh yeah and coffee and I'm done. That's not to say I eat cereal everyday. I make eggwhite omelets with veggies. I eat oatmeal. I have wassa crackers with natural pb and bananas. I eat cottage cheese on whole grain toast with some raisins and cinnamon under the broiler. I mix it up usually depending on what I have in the house or what's on sale at the market. It's really not that complicated. It's simple and easy and I sit down and fuel my body so I can greet my day with energy. I do that 7 times a week. It's basically, protein, carbs and good fat.

So lunch rolls around and I'm hungry. My body needs food. I don't make a big production out of it. I don't over think it and I don't stress about it. 7 times a week I eat lunch. I make the same simple choices as I do at breakfast. I always keep things on hand to make it easier and I am flexible about eating out if the day lends itself to that. Lately, I've been eating those eggwhite/veggie flat bread sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts. Less than 300 calories and 3.99 for a medium coffee and the sandwich it's a deal all around. I eat left overs from dinner if I am home. I eat tuna and chicken and salads or soup. I don't stress over what to eat. My choice again depends on where I am and what I'm doing. It's not difficult, it's just lunch.

I use my snacks when I feel I need'em most and that changes day to day. I usually feel a pang of hunger coming on around 4pm. You know that time before dinner where we can eat way to much and give ourselves permission to throw everything out the window after it? I like natural pb on apples. I like yogurt (the greek kind with fruit added) I like a latte (skim milk and no syrups) I like laughing cow cheese and walnuts. I like a slice of turkey rolled up in a lettuce leaf. It's a snack and shouldn't require that much trouble. I usually eat my second snack in between the time I eat dinner and go to bed. Sometimes, I don't. I eat it if I need it. If I'm looking for a treat, sf jello or pudding does the trick.

Dinner for some reason gets tricky at times. We often cook for others and get it in our heads that we have to cook separate and different meals for ourselves that are DIET. Not true. It's always helpful to have salad greens around at dinner time. If you are a volume eater it helps a great deal. The things you can throw into a salad and still keep it within your calorie range or point range are many. I like to eat salads as a meal adding protein like chicken or fish or even beans. I don't eat a meal like salad every night. Sometimes I don't have salad and I make sure I have veggies and protein and some good fat. It's not always just veggies but also some grains. Whole wheat pasta is a favorite of mine. Portion control is KEY with adding carbs to meals. Brown rice and whole wheat couscous are always in my cabinets as is chicken and fish and beans in the fridge. I love to cook and can be very creative with the simplest of ingredients. I feed my husband too. He enjoys eating "clean" and just eats MORE than I do. Again, it's 7 meals a week, can you take a piece of meat out of the freezer in the morning before work and build your meal around it without the stress of worrying about what you CAN'T have with it and discover the things you CAN have with it are just as pleasing.

Keeping things simple, less controlled but proportioned is key. Once I discovered WHAT was leading me to food was NOT hunger but emotions it was easier to catch those cravings and deal with them in a non-food way. Healthy eating can be just as pleasurable as eating without limits if we sit down and mindfully eat the bounty we choose that tastes good and nourishes our body. It really can be. I find that when I am eating healthy I feel better, I look better and everything TASTES good. Ever notice than when we are shoveling down mass quantities of food it's practically tasteless? When your palate is clean, you can really appreciate the sweetness of a ripened fruit as opposed to the sugary decadence of chocolate cake.

And I'll say again like I always say, it's a choice. You can choose to eat to live and start living a whole new life. You can choose to feel deprived and punished and get fed up and say screw it and that 10 extra pounds becomes 15...... 20..... 40.... 50.... 75.... 100+ Does giving up cheese burgers really make or break us? Does passing on grazing while watching TV really hurt that badly? If it does then I can say with conviction it's not what you're eating it's what's eating YOU and if you don't get in touch with that, you'll never find peace or feel sated.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Happy Halloween!!! Yes, indeed. This is the mask I terrify my other half with late at night. Yeah, I know, it's crazy but I get a big kick out of it even if he clutches his chest and gets scared out of his wits. LOL I'm awful i know. I get him every time though, you'd think he'd see it coming. I usually wait till he's in the bathroom and tap on the door. He'll shout "what" and I'll tap again he'll shout louder "WHAT!!!!!" and I tap again until he opens the door and I peek out from the side of the door jam. He laughs at how silly I am. (well after his initial terror) I laugh at how scared he gets. We're made for each other, huh? LOL Enough of this stuff, right? On to the best news there is!!!

There it is, how cool is that. I did it!!!! I finally took 4 hours of my time and got it done. Oh joy! You have no idea how thrilled I am. I had been putting this task off for the longest time. I've been complaining about it here over and over and finally, yes finally, I picked myself UP and got in there and put myself to work. I know it looks like a ton of stuff and it is, indeed! The thing is apartment living doesn't lend itself to an attic or garage or even an extra closet to put the seasonal stuff out of the way. Mine is all there, all my clothes, all my shoes and bags and a whole lot more! I mean, you don't even get to see the neatly organized stuff on the two shelves above the clothing racks that runs around the whole closet. I know I have way too much stuff. I can't wait until I can toss out all the stuff that is way too big once again. I got rid of 4 huge black bags of stuff.

I have one more task which I'm not fretting about. I have to go through my dresser. Yes, all that stuff and I have a big ole dresser to weed through too. But, that isn't the pain that the closet was. I'll tackle that at some point this weekend. I'm not worried about it. I can't begin to explain how good it feels to have accomplished this. It had gotten so that I would just throw things in there and close the door. I mean, you can't really see it but I can GO IN THERE and move around. I actually know where everything is too! I am elated.

OK the only thing that could trump this happy feeling is space between my paragraphs here. lol. I guess I'll have to wait and see. Hope you did something today that made you feel proud! I am sure feeling proud right about now. Almost like I wanna invite people over to see my closet. lmao. I know, I am lame.... I can't help it!

Chaos be gone!

OK, before I talk myself out of it. Before I get to writing the entry that I reallllllly wanna do, I am going to my closet and getting it cleaned and organized. I can't take it any more and it is making the rest of my life as chaotic as that gosh darn closet. I'll be back........

Unless of course it swallows me up whole. LOL See ya later! Love yourselves. You're worth it! I'm worth the effort it takes to make my closet clean and clear out the chaos from my life! It starts today! Happy Halloween! :)

Self Inflicted Pain....

Last night I made myself a fabulous dinner for one and thought, I think I'll have a glass of wine. I sat at my dinning table, enjoyed every bit of my meal and settled down to enjoy this ME time since my other half is away on business. Seemed like a good idea at time. LOL I don't know what I was thinking when the phone rang and one of my favorite people in the world from my 3D life was up for some chit chat and I topped off the ounce of wine I had left with another full glass. MISTAKE.

I mean yeah, it proved for some interesting conversation and lots of laughs. BUT, I forgot that as a teetotaler this was not a wise move. The reality is I can't drink more than ONE glass of wine or ONE frozen margarita. I KNOW this. Somehow I got amnesia and fantasized an irresistible barkeep had filled that glass again and ahhhh what the hell. Did I mention this was a MISTAKE???? I actually passed out and woke up in a bad way. I will spare you the details but KNOW when I say bad way I mean BADDDDDDDD WAY. lol

So excuse me while I nurse this nasty hangover. I have one more day to enjoy my Me time. It's a shame I've spent most of it hugging the porcelain thrown! Guess my cluttered closet will never get cleaned, huh? Damn that barkeep!

(and no Jen, I didn't get pneumonia! lol)

A day in the life....

On the way home from the dollar store, where we had spent 60 dollars collectively,(yes, I spent 45 and mom spent 15, lol) here is a snippet of our "car talk"...

"I really miss Daddy, Mom"
"You know they had anti-fungal cream, neosporin, and lots of over the counter medicines at the dollar store"
"Wanna go back?"
"maybe tomorrow"

Damn, I guess that means no quick fix for the grieving heart today, huh? LOL

No buts about it!

I know, you were expecting me to come back here and tell you the marvelous progress I made on all my projects. Ummm, that will have to be another entry. Martha, yes! I would love to do a challenge that you spoke of in your comment. I think I can get a few involved too (waving over to Diana, lol) So go to it girl, bring it on!

I was having big time problems trying to post an entry today. Maybe the blogger gods thought I shouldn't. Well I revamped a bunch of stuff and now things seem to be going ok. Let's see if the breaks show up between paragraphs! My biggest pet peeve! Anyway, I've been wanting to compose this entry for a while. It's things I read others say, things people say to me and random thoughts that inspire these entries! So here goes.

As you see up there on the graphic there are the words: Forgiveness without the but. My sister Carol told me a story about a friend of hers T(male). His mom taught him well. You see, whenever he got in trouble and came to his mom with "I'm sorry BUT..." She would turn him around and tell him to come back when he could say it (I'm sorry) without a BUT. We both agreed that Mrs F was one smart lady. Well, that got me thinking a lot! How many times had I said "I'm sorry, but.... I didn't mean it. Or perhaps some other qualification of why I had done whatever I had to have me saying sorry in the first place. Pretty heavy stuff! I wanna be sorry without a but. I COULD be sorry without a but. It's difficult at times and I'm learning.

So, here I am today to take the life's lesson Mrs. F instilled in T just a step further. How bout forgiveness without a but? "I forgive you, but i will never forget what you did to me" "I forgive myself, but I am sooooo angry" Hmmmm, I do believe that when we edit out that but and really mean it, we truly do have remorse or in this case forgiveness.

While reading the pages of some friends and even some strangers it's clear to me that many of us (present company included) are angry at ourselves, disappointed, frustrated and feeling pretty down about our choices when it comes to the dreaded "D" word. C'mon you know the one I mean. A word which we want to transform into the concept of "LIFESTYLE" or "JOURNEY" just to name a few. We're pissed off at our loss of control, our abandonment of our commitments and our failure to jump in and just do it. I know these feelings. I feel these feelings and although my mantra is "love yourself" how can we really and truly love ourselves when we can't forgive without a BUT?

I'm learning that in order for me to achieve the goals I have in place I have some "forgiving without the but" to do. I need to reprogram my brain and stop letting excuses or my reasons for not moving forward get in my way. I have to apply this not just in my weight loss journey but in all aspects of my life. I HAVE forgiven myself for the mistakes that lead me back to my original weight plus more after 10+ years of living without it. I can't dwell on those BUTS and leave the door open for more buts to creep in. I can't allow myself to stay in limbo and say, well I've re-lost OVER a hundred pounds but, I'm staying the same because my body's just adjusting. Now that might very well be true; yet, it's the BUT that will deter me from switching things up and changing them around to achieve my goals. Here's my all time favorite: "I've done it before but got sidetracked, I'll do it again" Ummm, that "but I got sidetracked" in my mind is just a big ole pile of excuses. Excuses that keep us from losing weight, from cleaning our closets or doing that something that just doesn't get done.

So right here and now, I'm forgiving ME without a but, without an excuse, a logical reason or an illogical one. I can't go back and change the things I've done to bring me to this place. I CAN change the things I do today, the choices I make and my attitude. I can forgive myself without justifying to myself the reasons why. I don't need to do anything more than just forgive. No, "buts" "ifs" "ands" "ors", I don't need them. I believe I am worth the time and effort it will take to bring myself where I need to be. Not get back to where I was before. Before was a different time and place and honestly I'm a lot different NOW.

It takes a lot of soul searching to give ourselves our very best. We are quick to give that part of us to others but when our turn comes there's always a "but" I'm tossing out the but today and learning to live with my choices in hopes that they're all part of who I am becoming. Just for today. Only today. Ahhhh, there, I do believe I came back, without the but! Now, I just gotta keep on moving forward, no buts about it!

Bragging Rights!

First, I want to apologize for my crude graphics. If anyone has a psp 10 disk and is willing to lend it to me to d/l onto my computer I will pay you for the postage! I really miss being able to make things pretty! The downloadable program offered for free on the net is missing a ton of stuff. Having my laptop crash was a drag, I had so many extras that I can not recoup. Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk, right? uh-huh!

The second thing that is driving me batty is my inability to put spaces between paragraphs. Can someone please H E L P! I actually went to "help" and did exactly what they said. WHY DOESN'T IT WORK!!!! UGH! I really am bothered by the ugliness of these entries! LOL Yeah, I know, shouldn't matter, but it does. What can I say? lol

So far, reversal of the great procrastination project is well under way. I didn't get a lot done but I've made a good size dent and I'm still alive to talk about it. LOL Yesterday, I got my groove on and decided if I did two loads of laundry at a time I might get it done and not be so overwhelmed. Worked! I did all the towels, all the darks, all the whites and cleaned the bathroom while I waited for the wash to be done so I could put it in the dyer. That was 6 loads of laundry! Progress! I also stripped the bed, changed the sheets and wiped down the headboard! I was cooking with gas. I do still have SOME laundry left but I ran out of quarters. It's OK, I'm not longer feeling overwhelmed about the laundry! LOL It's done! (mostly!)

I truly am picking up the pieces. I'm talking about this here in my weight loss journal because I have come ot the realization that when the things AROUND me are chaotic, I internalize it. I don't need chaos, I need calm. I am a bit angry at myself for letting things get this bad. I mean don't get me wrong, the bulk of this clutter all belongs to me and is mostly tucked inside that closet. It's not like my whole apartment is turned upside down! Although it feels like it. lol

I took myself out yesterday to the cleaner and the hardware store. IF I had a list I could cross two things off on the errand side. lol Good right? lol I also took care of all the dishes and the trash and recycling and tidy-ed up the kitchen too. All in all I felt pretty productive, which is a big improvement over chaotic! The great lesson I believe I've stumbled upon here goes something like this: The demons, the ones I believed taunted me with food, ummm they're no different than the ones who keep me from cleaning my clutter. Sitting here I'm thinking if I silenced those voices shouting eat cake, I CAN shut these other fools up too! IF it really is a conscious choice the only one responsible for all of this is ME. No quest for the reasons WHY I do this is needed. I can CHANGE it and therefore must take responsibility for NOT doing it and stop trying to figure things out on a much deeper level.

My friend Jeanne and I discuss this all the time. Choices! There's no secret to this weight loss thing. Either you do it or you don't. Yeah there are temptations but what matters is what you really want at the time. I have the power to decide what my action will be. It's a hard truth. I know that choice isn't always easy and often times my choices are not perfect. No one's are but the choice is mine. If I can choose a healthy path as far as eating is concerned then surely I can bring that forth in all aspects of my life. The consequences are the same. Chaos. All of these things keep me from getting where I want to be. It's all intertwined and it's something I got 50% solved. I'm here to tell you I'm giving myself the PUSH I need today. I'mma do something productive and be back to brag. (keep your fingers crossed, mine are!)

Avoidance at it's best!

Nope! I didn't get done what I had planned. I pretty much did everything in my power to avoid it and then decided I was very tired and took a nap! God! I hate this about myself. I really do. Yet, I never seem to be able to take the steps necessary to change it. Why is that?

I do see that I wrote "when hub leaves I can get it done" Who am I kidding, I'm not gonna get it done then just like I'm not getting it done now. Funny part of all this is I KNOW that if I could just get THIS done I can do so many other things. You see, I'm using THIS as an excuse to say "no" to other things. Am I tapping into to something here? hmmmmmm.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I know I sound like a whining baby. If I could only explain how incredibly weak I feel at this moment. Why is it that I let this control me. Why can't I just get UP and like Diana said just start small and move along. Hmmmmmm.

Ok, enough of this pity party. I'm gonna log off and get done what I didn't do yesterday and this evening I'm doing laundry! Ok, I gotta go, I have a busy day ahead of me. Speak to the organizational gods for me and send some motivation my way! I'm gonna need it, BIG TIME.

Yep, take two, lets hope I'm more productive at my second try! Ugh! I just hope I'm not here again singing the same song. Time will tell! Good news is, I didn't EAT myself into a coma, I just took a nap. lol That's not the same! It's NOT! LOL

Welcome to more of my insanity

My last entry's picture and the "begin" quote was not just a thought I had about weight loss. I am driving myself absolutely crazy because I have a lot to do and just can't seem to get it done. Can anyone relate?

I know my friend Jeanne would tell me JUST DO IT. It will get done and you won't be crazy any more. Why is it that I find myself doing 239923748738 other things instead of what needs to get done? Did I mention I'm actually running out of excuses? LOL Yeah, I mean, it useta be "my dad just died", "I'm not feeling well", "I have to go to Brooklyn", "I just had my gall bladder removed and can't lift", "I have pneumonia" I mean, I even broke a toe! The chaos I spoke of in the beginning of this journal is directly related to my inability to get all the things done I need to get done! Truthfully, these are the kinds of thoughts that would lead me to food. Like.. I don't want to think about the reason WHY I just can't get myself to do this stuff, so I'll eat like a pig so I can pass out and forget. Yep, that's how it USETA be.

Now don't think I know the answer to this. Make a list and start checking it off and force yourself to do at least a couple things every day. LOL I can't do that because that list will just compound the anxiety that is already making me nuts. The eating myself into a coma is not an option I will entertain. I am not that person any longer and have fought hard for the past year and a half to STOP that insanity. I just haven't figured out how to deal with whatever it is that keeps me from JUST DOING IT. I'm also not so sure how to just do it. I guess my answer would be just do it. LOL See how crazy I am?

The ironic part of all of this is I helped my sister Carol pull herself out of a mess that was a hundred times worse than the one I am in right now. I spent countless hours with her organizing her junk and getting her life into an organized and manageable one. That's probably HOW I fell deeper into my own mess. I am too busy doing things for others all the time. I'm learning as I write this and light bulbs are flickering in my head that as I am doing for others I'm letting myself fall further behind. I'm finding reasons why I just can't do it and it's getting WORSE. So I guess my journey to wellness has to become broader than just diet and exercise. I have to tackle the OTHER things in my life that have become overwhelming.

I'm confessing this here so that there is accountability. I am putting it forward so I can chart my progress and be honest with myself right here for everyone (all my followers) to see. The biggest job I have is my 5.5x5.5 foot closet that has become a dumping ground and a huge mess. I seem to "hide" my sins there. I tuck away anything everything and now I can't even GET IN IT. How crazy is that? Because of this our bedroom is full of all the clothes that have been washed and I can't get into my closet to put away. There is NO ROOM to put them away because of everything else that was thrown in there. I gotta start at this catch all of my sins and get cracking. I just wish I wasn't sitting here bitching about it and I could just get up and get it done.

Now, should I list all the other things I gotta do that will keep me from that closet today? LOL Yeah, see avoidance again. Avoidance for good reason. I was just informed by hub he has an emergency business venture that could take him away for a few weeks. "Can you do this, can you do THAT, can you make sure of this, can you see to it that this is done, can you make sure of all this too!" See? And, I was going to Brooklyn tomorrow! Looks like plans are gonna change but here's what I am thinking..... While he is gone I'm gonna get this done. I will be able to leave things all over as I get them organized and either thrown away or in their proper place. I need to take a deep breath and deal with one thing at a time. Just like I told Carol, I gotta keep making progress until it is done.

Ughhhhhhhh! I'm craving a cheeseburger right about now! LOL Don't worry, I'm not gonna pick up the phone and fall into a fatty greasy coma. I'm gonna go out into the living room and get started by dusting the entertainment unit and running the vac over the rugs. I'm then gonna move into the dinning area and clean those mirrors and change the table cloth and place mats and then run the vac in there too. Ok, looks like I have a plan for today! Wish me luck I'm gonna need it!

Getting things done.

Here I am again! I am blogging more here than I did at my old place. Don't ask me why, I think it's time. I have been reading a lot of blogs and seeing everyone is pretty much on a "new start" so I thought I'd post this graphic. I lost my psp program and all of my "stuff" when my computer died. So most of the graphics I have I got from the old blog. I have to figure out just where I have the disc for the program. I'm thinking I gave it back to my niece who loaned it to me. Something else for me to do! I had a lot of extras which I KNOW I can't get back. I'm sad about that. Oh well, it is what it is and I'll have to start again. :glancing over at the graphic, uh-huh, BEGIN.

I had a fabulous weekend. Friday I met my BFF and played the day away. Saturday hub and I took a Moonlight walk in Green Wood Cemetery. We had a lot of fun and it was a lot of exercise. Up and down rolling hills. Our flashlights died ("because I buy cheap shit" lol lol) and it was a little scary not being able to SEE the pavement to walk on. LOL The 250 other people's flashlights did the trick. All and all it was really very interesting and some great cardio! We ended up at a Mexican restaurant and I did just fine. I had chicken fajitas and that is always an easy way to keep myself on track. Yesterday was another eating out ordeal and again, I did a Fandango Salad which was all kinds of good stuff and I added chicken. I got to spend some time with my little grand nieces and that is always the thing I like to do best. Nothing like little arms wrapped around me, sweet kisses and big smiles. Today, I'm just chillin' and enjoying having NOTHING to do.

I'm giving myself one more week to figure out this body of mine minus my gall bladder and it's back to the gym. I'm getting it, I'm sure it will be OK and if it's not it's back to the DR. UGH! It better be alright because the thought of having to go back to the Dr is not a good one. I'll work it out I'm sure! That doesn't mean I won't exercise. Just means I'll be back TO the gym next week. I want to get there and get with it. Too many things have happened to prevent me from that outlet and I need it.

My original plan of getting fruits and veggies back to my diet was a success. I have been banking my days again and feeling good about it. That's important. Every other attempt I made to diet, EVER was basically something I hated! Who likes to be on a diet? LOL This time is different. I DO enjoy all the things I eat and I feel very accomplished when I put that day in the bank. I passed on a lot of goodies this weekend and didn't feel deprived at all. I actually felt good with all the choices I'd made. It's all about that. Choice. Right? lol

So as I begin to make the right choices for me I hope you too are making the right choices for you! Love yourself today, it's worth it and so are you!

Kissed By An Angel In Boyd Park

I hate this blogger. Just so you know. I cry out for space between paragraphs, silence! Chaos! I don't enjoy that. LOL I do enjoy *bitchin'* about it! LOL There's the good in it, huh?

Ok, now that's settled, I'm waiting with baited breath to see if THAT paragraph break happened! LOL I'm not checking... gonna let it build up! LOL Did I tell you how much I hate this blogger? LOL OK, OK. I got something that trumps any joy in bitchin' about blogger! I got a smile on my face from ear to ear with the memories of yesterday. Yesterday was a wonderful day, It was fan-tab-u-lous! It was the best.

I had the pleasure of the company of Joyful Jeanne. Ohhhhhhh yes I did. Let me tell you, we had a blast. I should have listened to her and took her up on her countless offers to come here and spend time with me while my father was dying. :sigh: My life is blessed to be graced with her friendship and love. She gives great hugs, Jen. Woooohoooooo get ready! Diana you're next! My next trip to NJ I'm hoping you will join us, we met in New Brunswick at Boyd park. LOL The woman who calls ME "directionally challenged" sends me to a place that doesn't exist! LOL LOL. I was lost and calling her, SHE was laughing at me. Why is it in NJ you gotta make a RIGHT to go LEFT? lol.

The "nice policeman" confirmed there WAS no Boyd Park. Plan B already in progress, she's finding a suitable substitute, I keep driving, lol. Few minutes later I see my BFF in the parking lot of a strip mall. The backdrop is my favorite store Amazing Savings. Ahhhhh, when you can't get out and get exercise... go shopping! Heaven! I couldn't get out of the car fast enough to throw my arms around her and hug her tight. I couldn't WAIT to bring her into my favorite store and stroll the isles looking at stuff and giggling. My connection with Jeanne was immediate. It was if I had known her my whole life. It was like we were catching up some quality time together like we always had. I know she felt the same way, familiar and it was divine! Heehee. (giggling cuz Jen is jealous!) What could be better than THIS? (hold on i'm getting to it) Well bargains of course. It was fun to share my thrifty side. We laughed and picked out a gift for my Eva's 6th birthday, a frame for her desk, some Christmas cookie jars, beautiful yarn and tons of gadgets! We love gadgets, Dad was the gadget master. I felt so much at home. We both were very much at home, with each other and our choice of activity. LOL We had so many laughs as we marveled at all the good deals and not so good deals around us. Not to mention some interesting navigation with the wagon. LOL

Next we scrabbled for a place to pee and found a farmer's market. Well actually the guy in the pizzeria told me to check it out while Jeanne was in the potty. LOL Yeah, a pizzeria, lol, I was deeply inhaling the sauce and cheese and we inspected it all before heading to the market! LOL We loaded our cart with fresh and healthy carbs instead and enjoyed the leisurely inspection of all of the healthy stuff at the market. We each spent 9 dollars! LOL All this retail therapy earned us some lunch. We loaded up our trunks and off we were to find a spot for food. She drives a huge mini van in case you didn't know that. She's a demon on wheels too but I'll get to that in a minute. LOL

We quickly found Chili's and wanted to do a bit more exploring before we settled into it And it WAS 11:30. I locked up my wheels and jumped into her bus and she damn near killed me twice. LOL I called her a maverick but got in trouble (laughing hard) so DEMON it is. LOL Music blasting, talking, laughing while we're supposeda be looking for perhaps another eating establishment, two voices scream out GOODWILL. She went up on two wheels to cut into that driveway, so help me god! LOL LOL I 'bout wet my pants.

You KNOW we each came out of there with a bag of treasures. I know this woman loves me, she patiently waited on line while the clerks kept rebooting their computer registers and butting into our conversation. LOL. Not that I understood what they said or why it was taking so long. hahahaaaaaa. Of course I enjoyed every minute of watching her controlling her flight response. Jeanne is a ball of fire and an energizer bunny, this place was torture but like I said we each left with a bag so it was worth the wait. LOL We killed an hour before lunch too even if we spend a good bit of it on line. LOL (not really, but it felt like it, right, Toots?)

It was back to Chili's for their guiltless grill menu! We had good food and shared a lot of laughs. I made sure to spoil her just like she spoils me! I brought all of the things I never got around to mailing so she had a ton of surprises. It was a joy to watch her digging into an endless bag of goodies! It was fun to just sit and talk and eat I had a black bean burger and Jeanne had a grilled chicken sandwich. We done good. We even called Jen to torment her! LOL I know, mean are we! LOL

It sucked that I had to leave because truthfully I was having a great time with my girlfriend who I'd never met. Jeanne is exactly who you see on the pages where she shares her life with us. She is beautiful inside and out. I'm blessed to be a part of her life and have her in mine. We have vowed to see each other on a regular basis. I can't wait to go to Boyd Park again. :wink: Start saving, Toots! LOL. We got a lot more "retail therapy" in the future to get done!

I know what you're thinking.. I'm a bit camera shy and will not post here but Jeanne has the pics! LOL Plus I was so busy YACKING I never took out my camera. Huge heads (lol, carol!) and big smiles. We laughed our heads off as we posed for a few shots. Neither one of us was satisfied and I whined. LOL She just might tie me down next time, I KNOW Jeanne, that whining shit won't work twice. LOL I love you Toots. Thanks so much for spending your time with me! You are indeed MY Angel!

The art of television

OK just so you know... THIS was the best part of the entire show we attended on Tuesday. Note* Never attend a "taping" of a live show. IT SUCKS! Why you wonder? Well this show sucked because apparently the hosts were laden with attitudes toward each other. Maybe a too hot "hot topics" on the live show before this one? I don't know but it was just, well... It was just awful.

The round table discussion was scripted! The ladies all had their panties in a bunch and the whole atmosphere was COLD!!! The dude that warmed up the audience told us that during commercial breaks the ladies would come to talk to us and we could take pictures with them. Ummmm, only Whoppi went to an elderly black woman who was preselected. Sherri came out once and just kinda walked around. E and J just ran behind the set until they got their on-air call. It was really pathetic. Nothing like it appears to be on TV.

Here is a moment that seemed like the claws would be released. Mighta been more fun if that HAD happened. Guests were Maggie Gyllenhaal who was promoting some "natural clothes" They asked her all about Keith Ledger and she was pissed off about it. We saw the clothes and thought hmmmmmmm, gift certificate. UMMM no. Second segment was 5 new foods. Ready? "my husband's nuts", some kind of caramels, some beef jerky bits, cashew juice, beer and clamato juice mix and ummm, something else that I can't remember. THAT we got at the end of the show. Third guest was Tristan Rogers, a cast member of General Hospital from the 70's, c'mon you remember Robert Scorpio (I don't!, lol) He's on a new show that airs on soapnet, a nightime GH or something. Show ended and they brought the same lady Whoppi spoke with to meet Tristian and then they all disappeared.

Yes, that was the long and short of it. The first show, the one that we didn't have tickets for had Sarah Silvermann on who gave a DVD to everyone. They also got a BLACKBERRY and free service for a year AND a Gift card to 1-800 flowers and a floral arrangement to take home! The sad part of THAT was we saw all those folks happily leaving the show and got kinda worked up about what kind of surprises were in store for us. UMMMMMMMM 5 new food. Oh and I forgot to tell you Whoppi THREW the food into the audience pretty much AT us. It was ridiculous.

The show airs today, Friday, don't watch it. I wrote a letter to Billy Geddys and told him just how disappointing the whole experience was for all of us. Everyone who was there felt the same way. I mean yeah, gifts are just THAT gifts and you can't always get one, I get that! But, the ultimate disappointment was the lack of enthusiasm and the frigid climate. Lack of hospitality and personality and feeling like an unwanted guest was just pathetic!

Ewwwwwwwwww to YOU, the View!

Ugh! This entry is a mess. Will someone please tell me how to put space between paragraphs!!!

Pillowtalk

Oh Miss Morrison how wise you are! Mhmmm. First things first, am I hungry? Nut-uh. I'm not really fighting hunger or any kinda cravings just the excitement of the day ahead playing through my brain. I need to try and get some rest. I'm so lame! LOL

Creating my own destiny.

Yesterday, as I scanned through my old blog for pictures I began reading some old entries. I felt as though I was finding the tools to get me through this time in my life. That's a good thing. I can remember how I felt when I wrote many of those entries. Key word is "felt" I was accepting the reality that my feelings lead me to food and that had to change. I fought through those times and didn't listen to those mean and nasty voices that wanted me to eat. It was a struggle every time. I worked through allowing myself to feel and learned that feeling emotions didn't break me. I didn't need to NUMB myself in order not to feel. My feelings are real and don't need to be muted and I don't need to be medicated in order NOT to feel them.

My Dad's passing in June was the second time I had to face losing him. The difference was this time it was for good. I was determined NOT to use food to get through my feelings. Truth is I didn't have to use food I was sick and had surgery and a lot of pain killers instead. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't abusing my medication it just took away my ability to feel anything. It was a long road to get healthy. Now that I am well and those same feelings surface I am forced to keep my head on straight and deal. It's difficult, I can't lie. It's work and as I said in my last post I know I am worth it but that doesn't make it an easier. It just makes it MY RESPONSIBILITY to just do it. NO one can do any of this for me and no reasons are valid enough to use as excuses. There can't be any excuses any more.

Although I haven't abandoned my journey I see how I've become laxed while traveling. I need to get back to making myself my priority. Yes, I have other responsibilities to tend to but I have to make sure I am doing what I need to do for me. That translates into keeping up a healthy lifestyle. It means seeing to it that I'm eating enough fruits and veggies and drinking enough water. It means not skipping meals and doubling up on others. It means fitting all of this in without obsessing over it. I need to reclaim my position in all that I do and see to it I'm taking good care of ME. I no longer can hide behind the death of my father or anything else that translates as an "excuse".

The destiny I want for myself is one in which my feelings do not dictate what I eat. I want to nourish my body and soul in a positive way. I want to cope with feelings that are unpleasant and learn how to manage them without my drug of choice. I want to enjoy all that is good and understand that nothing can break me down unless I allow it. I want to love myself enough to give myself this gift. I want to combat my fears and take control of the life I've been given and enjoy living it, one day at a time.

I've learned that goals are an important part of this journey. The first part of my plan, just like this new journal site, is to get back to basics. I need to write more and revisit the healthy habits that were defining my success. I need to shake out that BANK of days and begin again. I need to let this day be important. I need to get up and MOVE. I need to find the my enthusiasm and excitement again. I need to do all of this and everything else too. I know "everything else" may seem a bit sketchy. That just includes doing everything necessary to meet all my responsibilities. No more putting things off because I'm just too tired or not in the mood or not ready or don't care. I need to put away the "dead father card" and the "I just had surgery card" and the 50 others in my deck. Perhaps I just need to fold'em and get to it, huh? Sounds good to me!

First goal I'm setting is to fill my bank with a weeks worth of days. Those days must be lived 100% healthy and positive. I'm rolling up my sleeves and ready. I WILL create my own destiny! One day at a time.

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I CAN'T PUT SPACE BETWEEN PARAGRAPHS!!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!

Chaos or Clarity, Anyone?

I'm confused about this blog, I don't know how to do anything. LOL Someone please write tutorials! LOL I don't ask much, huh? I had a good handle on the old spot and could get some of my creative juices flowing. Bad news... My computer decided it was finished and all is lost! I'm talking EVERYTHING, my music, artwork, programs! My tag making and all of my work is gone! Oh well.. I did have enough sense to go through my old blogs. I found a lot of art work but well, I don't even want to mention what is gone. Most of you KNOW this experience. Sucks eggs! So it's back to basics! And we're talking basics here! I don't know how to put space in between paragraphs! Help!

My life as it goes is spiralling out of control. I'm having difficulty keeping up things that are important. I have too many things to do. Being sick for THE WHOLE SUMMER totally sucked eggs too! Too much fell behind! I got that overwhelming feeling that usually leads me to FOOD. I have projects to finish and work to do and I find myself doing everything BUT what needs to be done. I must keep focused on NOT letting FEELINGS lead me to FOOD. It's hard work. Isn't it?

I KNOW how to fix this. I am worth what it takes to get a handle on things. I know this. Now, it's time for ACTION. No more avoidance. I have to make the effort to get things done. There, I said it. Damn, I have so much to do! LOL... I better get cracking!

The last few months have been very rough on me emotionally. My father died, my charming neighbor did too. I suffered with pharyngitis, strep throat, a double ear infection, pneumonia and had an emergency cholecystectomy. Best part of all that was the drugs! LOL Euphoria rocks! I wasn't feeling much of anything during that time. I'm thinking it mighta been a good thing.

Good news is I'm well. I feel good physically. I'm no longer NUMB and I have a plan. I'll reveal all of that when it happens, here. I'm keeping my focus in the moment and living one day at a time. I'm allowing myself to FEEL the things I need to. I'm not afraid anymore. It's work and I believe I am worth the effort. It's a choice!

Time to get cracking, Indeed.

Same journey, different place...

Here I am in a new place with a new blog and the goal of writing more. I know I keep saying that but maybe this time it's true! I'd like to share my thoughts as I continue on this journey of mine. I know it's been a while since I've written and I do have lots to say but I just don't feel like organizing those thoughts at the moment. LOL. Isn't that awful?!?!

I guess today was all about trying to figure out how to set up a blog and visit my friends here. I'm a little bit freaked out as my last computer DIED and I lost a lot of photos and programs stored there. So it might take me a while before I have any really cool graphics. Heck it might take me forever just to figure out how to make this darn thing pretty. In the meantime, welcome! I'll be back, I promise!

Love yourself today, you're worth it :)