A new blog

I've started writing a new blog. It is VERY different from this one and might be a little much for some of my loyal readers. If you want to follow along by all means c'mon over. It's gonna get raw I can tell you that much. I think it's what I need right now. I'm hoping anyway.
http://scratchingnclawingintoaspringawakenin.blogspot.com/ See ya there!

My diet.. yes.. I said "diet"

It's crunch time. A lot of my friends are crying out for strength. I shed my own tears from time to time. I write today to help myself and hopefully inspire others. I do not profess to be an expert, just a person who struggles with demons that lead me to food, a person who has lost and gained as a result of that.

In the years that I've lost and gained weight I've found lots of things that work and don't work for me. I've found that I can't cry about what I can't eat, I need to embrace and enjoy what I can eat. What I can and can't eat is determined by MY DIET. Yes, I am not afraid to say that word and not ashamed to say it either. I need to lose weight, I need to restrict my food intake, I need to be on a diet. I've heard all the new ways we refer to our diets, as "life style changes" and every other nice way of saying the obvious I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, I'M ON A DIET.

Why is it so hard for us to accept that we need to be on a diet? Well, I know the answer to that, we feel punished and deprived. We feel singled out and like the child in the corner with the dunce cap who's gonna sit there till things are made right. Well I don't see dieting as such a bad thing. I think embracing the need to restrict our eating in order to lose weight is a concept that doesn't have to be a punishment. In fact, I view it as a positive CHOICE that I have made to lead myself to wellness. Is that so hard? Is that so terrible? I don't think so.

I know the biggest mistakes I've made in my attempts to lose weight in the past is thinking that once I diet and stick with it, I lose weight and I'm done. I believe "healthy lifestyle" should kick in AFTER we have lost the weight we set out to lose. Most people I know who have succeeded in weight loss, suck at keeping it off. I love to hear folks like Oprah talk about how she was thin for 5 minutes. If you can remember her wheeling out that wagon of fat in those mega-skinny jeans, we're on the same page. The first thing she did when the cameras stopped rolling and it was a wrap? EAT. and eat and eat and eat. It's a vicious cycle. A cycle that I'm working overtime trying to figure out.

For me (I will stand and say this because I've heard professionals say it too) my relationship with food is what has kept me fat and on this roller coaster ride of losing and gaining. I know some will say, I don't do that, I don't have food issues, I just eat because I like to. Yeah, well I like to eat too, but I also like to eat when I don't want to feel or I can't deal with something or I'm joyful. If you are an over eater you can rest assured that you too have a relationship with food that is unhealthy. I believe before you can really bring yourself good health and find a balance in life with diet and exercise you gotta dig deep and ask yourself this question. What is my relationship with food?

I can tell you I was conditioned at a very young age to use food in an unhealthy way. That's not to say I blame anyone for this. As an adult it is now my job to change this. It's my choice to eat and eat and eat OR I can nourish my body and find a balance with my emotions and how I deal with them WITHOUT food. Food doesn't have to be my pain reliever, my stress reducer, my boredom fixer, my marriage counselor, my grief counselor, my friend or my enemy. Food is fuel. My body needs food to keep me alive, to keep me awake, to keep me energized to do the things my life calls for. That's it. Once I believed that I stopped feeling like the fat kid who couldn't eat a whole sleeve of cookies and was satisfied with the four I was given.

I can also tell you that in order to be successful at this I had to give up control. Starting a journey or a weight loss plan doesn't have to involve a list of 100 things to do before you can get started. No. You don't have to do a massive shopping to get ALL THE RIGHT THINGS in the house. You don't have to make a menu and search recipes and plan everything out in advance. You see, that sets us up for failure and makes it easier to stray off our path. "Oh shit, I forgot my lunch... I had no choice but fast food or pizza. I blew it, so I figured why not have take out for dinner and I sat with a container of ice-cream while I "relaxed" before bed." Sound familiar? Yeah, I know. Been there, done that. Why does everything about our diet experience have to be perfect in order for us to do it?

I found it extremely helpful to break it down like this: I get 21 meals a week. (assuming you are following 3 meals and 2 snacks) 7 are breakfast. 7 are lunch and 7 are dinner. Ok, now, let's break'em down by meal and see just how easy this can be. Does breakfast have to be a gourmet feast in order for us to feel like we're not being punished (as in on a diet)? What would you eat for breakfast before? a donut? cookies? those killer fat ridden fast food english muffin/egg and bacon deals for a buck? Or better yet was breakfast just skipped because you've got a food hang over from the night before? Did your first meal kinda happen between 2 and 4 pm because the headache set in? So how can we change this to make it simple and easy and readily available. My breakfast is usually ezeikel cereal nuked so it's hot, I add a fruit and skim milk, oh yeah and coffee and I'm done. That's not to say I eat cereal everyday. I make eggwhite omelets with veggies. I eat oatmeal. I have wassa crackers with natural pb and bananas. I eat cottage cheese on whole grain toast with some raisins and cinnamon under the broiler. I mix it up usually depending on what I have in the house or what's on sale at the market. It's really not that complicated. It's simple and easy and I sit down and fuel my body so I can greet my day with energy. I do that 7 times a week. It's basically, protein, carbs and good fat.

So lunch rolls around and I'm hungry. My body needs food. I don't make a big production out of it. I don't over think it and I don't stress about it. 7 times a week I eat lunch. I make the same simple choices as I do at breakfast. I always keep things on hand to make it easier and I am flexible about eating out if the day lends itself to that. Lately, I've been eating those eggwhite/veggie flat bread sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts. Less than 300 calories and 3.99 for a medium coffee and the sandwich it's a deal all around. I eat left overs from dinner if I am home. I eat tuna and chicken and salads or soup. I don't stress over what to eat. My choice again depends on where I am and what I'm doing. It's not difficult, it's just lunch.

I use my snacks when I feel I need'em most and that changes day to day. I usually feel a pang of hunger coming on around 4pm. You know that time before dinner where we can eat way to much and give ourselves permission to throw everything out the window after it? I like natural pb on apples. I like yogurt (the greek kind with fruit added) I like a latte (skim milk and no syrups) I like laughing cow cheese and walnuts. I like a slice of turkey rolled up in a lettuce leaf. It's a snack and shouldn't require that much trouble. I usually eat my second snack in between the time I eat dinner and go to bed. Sometimes, I don't. I eat it if I need it. If I'm looking for a treat, sf jello or pudding does the trick.

Dinner for some reason gets tricky at times. We often cook for others and get it in our heads that we have to cook separate and different meals for ourselves that are DIET. Not true. It's always helpful to have salad greens around at dinner time. If you are a volume eater it helps a great deal. The things you can throw into a salad and still keep it within your calorie range or point range are many. I like to eat salads as a meal adding protein like chicken or fish or even beans. I don't eat a meal like salad every night. Sometimes I don't have salad and I make sure I have veggies and protein and some good fat. It's not always just veggies but also some grains. Whole wheat pasta is a favorite of mine. Portion control is KEY with adding carbs to meals. Brown rice and whole wheat couscous are always in my cabinets as is chicken and fish and beans in the fridge. I love to cook and can be very creative with the simplest of ingredients. I feed my husband too. He enjoys eating "clean" and just eats MORE than I do. Again, it's 7 meals a week, can you take a piece of meat out of the freezer in the morning before work and build your meal around it without the stress of worrying about what you CAN'T have with it and discover the things you CAN have with it are just as pleasing.

Keeping things simple, less controlled but proportioned is key. Once I discovered WHAT was leading me to food was NOT hunger but emotions it was easier to catch those cravings and deal with them in a non-food way. Healthy eating can be just as pleasurable as eating without limits if we sit down and mindfully eat the bounty we choose that tastes good and nourishes our body. It really can be. I find that when I am eating healthy I feel better, I look better and everything TASTES good. Ever notice than when we are shoveling down mass quantities of food it's practically tasteless? When your palate is clean, you can really appreciate the sweetness of a ripened fruit as opposed to the sugary decadence of chocolate cake.

And I'll say again like I always say, it's a choice. You can choose to eat to live and start living a whole new life. You can choose to feel deprived and punished and get fed up and say screw it and that 10 extra pounds becomes 15...... 20..... 40.... 50.... 75.... 100+ Does giving up cheese burgers really make or break us? Does passing on grazing while watching TV really hurt that badly? If it does then I can say with conviction it's not what you're eating it's what's eating YOU and if you don't get in touch with that, you'll never find peace or feel sated.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Happy Halloween!!! Yes, indeed. This is the mask I terrify my other half with late at night. Yeah, I know, it's crazy but I get a big kick out of it even if he clutches his chest and gets scared out of his wits. LOL I'm awful i know. I get him every time though, you'd think he'd see it coming. I usually wait till he's in the bathroom and tap on the door. He'll shout "what" and I'll tap again he'll shout louder "WHAT!!!!!" and I tap again until he opens the door and I peek out from the side of the door jam. He laughs at how silly I am. (well after his initial terror) I laugh at how scared he gets. We're made for each other, huh? LOL Enough of this stuff, right? On to the best news there is!!!

There it is, how cool is that. I did it!!!! I finally took 4 hours of my time and got it done. Oh joy! You have no idea how thrilled I am. I had been putting this task off for the longest time. I've been complaining about it here over and over and finally, yes finally, I picked myself UP and got in there and put myself to work. I know it looks like a ton of stuff and it is, indeed! The thing is apartment living doesn't lend itself to an attic or garage or even an extra closet to put the seasonal stuff out of the way. Mine is all there, all my clothes, all my shoes and bags and a whole lot more! I mean, you don't even get to see the neatly organized stuff on the two shelves above the clothing racks that runs around the whole closet. I know I have way too much stuff. I can't wait until I can toss out all the stuff that is way too big once again. I got rid of 4 huge black bags of stuff.

I have one more task which I'm not fretting about. I have to go through my dresser. Yes, all that stuff and I have a big ole dresser to weed through too. But, that isn't the pain that the closet was. I'll tackle that at some point this weekend. I'm not worried about it. I can't begin to explain how good it feels to have accomplished this. It had gotten so that I would just throw things in there and close the door. I mean, you can't really see it but I can GO IN THERE and move around. I actually know where everything is too! I am elated.

OK the only thing that could trump this happy feeling is space between my paragraphs here. lol. I guess I'll have to wait and see. Hope you did something today that made you feel proud! I am sure feeling proud right about now. Almost like I wanna invite people over to see my closet. lmao. I know, I am lame.... I can't help it!

Chaos be gone!

OK, before I talk myself out of it. Before I get to writing the entry that I reallllllly wanna do, I am going to my closet and getting it cleaned and organized. I can't take it any more and it is making the rest of my life as chaotic as that gosh darn closet. I'll be back........

Unless of course it swallows me up whole. LOL See ya later! Love yourselves. You're worth it! I'm worth the effort it takes to make my closet clean and clear out the chaos from my life! It starts today! Happy Halloween! :)

Self Inflicted Pain....

Last night I made myself a fabulous dinner for one and thought, I think I'll have a glass of wine. I sat at my dinning table, enjoyed every bit of my meal and settled down to enjoy this ME time since my other half is away on business. Seemed like a good idea at time. LOL I don't know what I was thinking when the phone rang and one of my favorite people in the world from my 3D life was up for some chit chat and I topped off the ounce of wine I had left with another full glass. MISTAKE.

I mean yeah, it proved for some interesting conversation and lots of laughs. BUT, I forgot that as a teetotaler this was not a wise move. The reality is I can't drink more than ONE glass of wine or ONE frozen margarita. I KNOW this. Somehow I got amnesia and fantasized an irresistible barkeep had filled that glass again and ahhhh what the hell. Did I mention this was a MISTAKE???? I actually passed out and woke up in a bad way. I will spare you the details but KNOW when I say bad way I mean BADDDDDDDD WAY. lol

So excuse me while I nurse this nasty hangover. I have one more day to enjoy my Me time. It's a shame I've spent most of it hugging the porcelain thrown! Guess my cluttered closet will never get cleaned, huh? Damn that barkeep!

(and no Jen, I didn't get pneumonia! lol)

A day in the life....

On the way home from the dollar store, where we had spent 60 dollars collectively,(yes, I spent 45 and mom spent 15, lol) here is a snippet of our "car talk"...

"I really miss Daddy, Mom"
"You know they had anti-fungal cream, neosporin, and lots of over the counter medicines at the dollar store"
"Wanna go back?"
"maybe tomorrow"

Damn, I guess that means no quick fix for the grieving heart today, huh? LOL

No buts about it!

I know, you were expecting me to come back here and tell you the marvelous progress I made on all my projects. Ummm, that will have to be another entry. Martha, yes! I would love to do a challenge that you spoke of in your comment. I think I can get a few involved too (waving over to Diana, lol) So go to it girl, bring it on!

I was having big time problems trying to post an entry today. Maybe the blogger gods thought I shouldn't. Well I revamped a bunch of stuff and now things seem to be going ok. Let's see if the breaks show up between paragraphs! My biggest pet peeve! Anyway, I've been wanting to compose this entry for a while. It's things I read others say, things people say to me and random thoughts that inspire these entries! So here goes.

As you see up there on the graphic there are the words: Forgiveness without the but. My sister Carol told me a story about a friend of hers T(male). His mom taught him well. You see, whenever he got in trouble and came to his mom with "I'm sorry BUT..." She would turn him around and tell him to come back when he could say it (I'm sorry) without a BUT. We both agreed that Mrs F was one smart lady. Well, that got me thinking a lot! How many times had I said "I'm sorry, but.... I didn't mean it. Or perhaps some other qualification of why I had done whatever I had to have me saying sorry in the first place. Pretty heavy stuff! I wanna be sorry without a but. I COULD be sorry without a but. It's difficult at times and I'm learning.

So, here I am today to take the life's lesson Mrs. F instilled in T just a step further. How bout forgiveness without a but? "I forgive you, but i will never forget what you did to me" "I forgive myself, but I am sooooo angry" Hmmmm, I do believe that when we edit out that but and really mean it, we truly do have remorse or in this case forgiveness.

While reading the pages of some friends and even some strangers it's clear to me that many of us (present company included) are angry at ourselves, disappointed, frustrated and feeling pretty down about our choices when it comes to the dreaded "D" word. C'mon you know the one I mean. A word which we want to transform into the concept of "LIFESTYLE" or "JOURNEY" just to name a few. We're pissed off at our loss of control, our abandonment of our commitments and our failure to jump in and just do it. I know these feelings. I feel these feelings and although my mantra is "love yourself" how can we really and truly love ourselves when we can't forgive without a BUT?

I'm learning that in order for me to achieve the goals I have in place I have some "forgiving without the but" to do. I need to reprogram my brain and stop letting excuses or my reasons for not moving forward get in my way. I have to apply this not just in my weight loss journey but in all aspects of my life. I HAVE forgiven myself for the mistakes that lead me back to my original weight plus more after 10+ years of living without it. I can't dwell on those BUTS and leave the door open for more buts to creep in. I can't allow myself to stay in limbo and say, well I've re-lost OVER a hundred pounds but, I'm staying the same because my body's just adjusting. Now that might very well be true; yet, it's the BUT that will deter me from switching things up and changing them around to achieve my goals. Here's my all time favorite: "I've done it before but got sidetracked, I'll do it again" Ummm, that "but I got sidetracked" in my mind is just a big ole pile of excuses. Excuses that keep us from losing weight, from cleaning our closets or doing that something that just doesn't get done.

So right here and now, I'm forgiving ME without a but, without an excuse, a logical reason or an illogical one. I can't go back and change the things I've done to bring me to this place. I CAN change the things I do today, the choices I make and my attitude. I can forgive myself without justifying to myself the reasons why. I don't need to do anything more than just forgive. No, "buts" "ifs" "ands" "ors", I don't need them. I believe I am worth the time and effort it will take to bring myself where I need to be. Not get back to where I was before. Before was a different time and place and honestly I'm a lot different NOW.

It takes a lot of soul searching to give ourselves our very best. We are quick to give that part of us to others but when our turn comes there's always a "but" I'm tossing out the but today and learning to live with my choices in hopes that they're all part of who I am becoming. Just for today. Only today. Ahhhh, there, I do believe I came back, without the but! Now, I just gotta keep on moving forward, no buts about it!